Bringing Metal to the Children: The Complete Berserker's Guide to World Tour Domination

Author: 
Zakk Wylde and Eric Hendrikx
Subject: 
Zakk Wylde's brain/ass droppings
Summary: 

 

Zakk Wylde is a rock star, a TRUE guitar hero, and an extremely talented musician, pianist, singer and songwriter. He is also, by many accounts, a decent human being, father and has been married to his high-school sweetheart for 28 years.

He's also fucking nuts.

Which, frankly goes with the territory. But where as Ozzy, for example, was always a mere lunatic, Zakk lives in a whole world of his own creation and follows his BLS philosophy as a pseudo religion (I say pseudo, because he is already born-again Christian in the traditional sense). He thinks he and his merry band of pillaging BLS-ers are "Viking Berserkers." I used to believe this stuff was all personna, but now I'm not so sure. They speak their own language and indulge their 14 year-old boy brains in everything 14 year old boys would indulge in with endless road time and virtually unlimited financial resources.  

FYI: Zakk's drinking was legendary, but Zakk is now completely sober.  And he still believes and lives all this stuff.  It's all or nothing. Zakk's world is black and white. No gray areas. 

This book is is NOT an autobiography. It is not Zakk's story. Instead, it is filled with endless shit/cock/anal sex jokes/road stories, and the guys ragging on each other the way guys do. Some of these stories did give me a chuckle. If you get a true laugh-out-loud moment, you did better than I did.

What's interesting here is that between all the juvenile nonsense, there are some pretty insightful truths about the reality of a life in the music business. About the work ethic and dedication required to make it.  There are also hands-on, practical tips for aspiring musos such as "No shitting on the tour bus -- EVER" It sounds silly, but Zakk outlines quite sensible reasons (I would have never thought of) for holding in that crap till the next rest stop, or even dropping one in the woods. So we learn some valuable lessons from Zakk's experience. If we ever find ourselves out on tour.

All said and done, it's not a bad read, but how much you enjoy it will depend on how much you can still tap into your prurient Junior HS brain that still loves poo poo and pee pee jokes. That's usually no problem for me, but Zakk raises it to an art form. This is literary bukkake. If you read this, you might want to keep a roll of paper towels handy to wipe off the loads of testosterone coming your way.

Overall Rating: 
3
Average: 3 (1 vote)